How to Survive Thanksgiving Day: The Ultimate Playbook

If you’re wondering how to survive Thanksgiving Day, you’ve come to the right place. Use this definitive guide to keep your sanity and ward off those pesky fantasies of murdering all of your guests.

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*Full Disclosure* – If you have stumbled upon this guide expecting the traditional tips on managing a houseful of guests during a holiday event. THIS IS NOT THAT THING. 

Let me start by saying that I love Thanksgiving – it’s my favorite holiday. But, thousands of hosts every year experience an oppressive feeling of dread in the weeks prior.

I’m not oblivious; I completely understand why.

The tale I’m about to tell is a work of fiction cooked up in my slightly twisted little brain. Any relation to actual events or people is purely coincidental, so let’s not be a woke, sensitive Sally here. Deal?

Without further ado, let’s dive in. 

Imagine this…

It’s 8:27 on Thanksgiving morning. You’re sipping on your coffee, relaxed, still in your favorite pink bunny footy pajamas. It’s your turn to host dinner this year and you’re completely prepared this time — crossed everything off the list, and you’re ready to crush this thing.

What could go wrong? 

You hear a vehicle pull up outside. The engine cuts off, doors open, and you hear a shrill woman’s voice barking orders.

“Holy shit,” you mutter to yourself, “no freaking way.”

You peek through the front window to confirm what you already know to be true: It’s Aunt Karen and Uncle Clancy.

You specifically told everyone to arrive at noon. But, these two assholes never listen to anyone.

You rush upstairs to throw on an outfit (that only loosely resembles what a normal person would wear) and answer the door.

It’s been precisely 30 seconds since Karen first knocked, and the first words out of her stupid mouth are, “Good lord, did you just wake up? We’ve been knocking for 5 minutes!”

She tosses some bullshit side dish at you that looks like it could’ve legitimately been the cause of the bubonic plague — the same nasty casserole in the same ridiculous dish, every year.

“We figured we’d come early to help you,” she declares. 

You force out a smile and think, “I wonder what kind of household poison I could use on this one?”

You shake the evil thoughts from your head and re-center yourself, “I can do this – it’s just one day — eye of the tiger, baby, eye of the tiger”

After several hours of dealing with Aunt Karen’s “help” (which consists exclusively of critiquing every single thing you’re doing, yet offering zero actual help) and Uncle Clancy sitting in the recliner, yelling at the TV – eating nearly all of the goddamn finger foods, and somehow managing to drink almost all of the booze meant for everyone to share – the rest of your guests arrive. 

The hard part of cooking is done. You finally have a second to catch your breath and have a seat.

That’s when you hear it: the unmistakable sound of your shit getting broken.

You rush into the living room to see what happened. Of course, little Johnny accidentally tipped over your prized, life-size, porcelain statue of Bob Ross.

The scene is horrific; he’s hysterical. The little asshole somehow cut himself with a shard of Bob’s beautiful ceramic afro, and you’ve never felt this much rage in your life…

But, you hold it together because, after all, little Johnny’s only 17 years old, and shit happens.

The meal itself is a complete success. You’re damn proud of it. Everyone agrees and raves about how delicious your cooking is.

You’re starting to feel much better, genuinely enjoying your time together with “loved” ones. That feeling and those pleasant emotions are cut short when Clancy frantically stands up and runs to the living room bellowing, “The game’s on!”

Everyone follows suit, whether they’re finished eating or not, leaving you sitting there with the carcass of the turkey as your only company.

You know, a funny thing happens on Thanksgiving Day. While the food is being prepared, no one can stay out of the kitchen — everyone is in your way. But after the meal has been eaten, it’s as if the kitchen and dining room cease to exist like those lost socks in the dryer.

You get up from the table, go into the kitchen, and look upon the carnage. You’re in utter disbelief, paralyzed at the sight of the legitimate mountains and rolling hills of dishes where the sink and counter used to be. 

You sit, shocked and motionless for a few minutes, hoping maybe someone will offer to lend a hand.

But, you know that idea is entirely futile. No one’s coming, you’re on your own here…

Those evil thoughts from earlier start to creep back in:

“I could unhook the gas line from the back of the stove, start the toaster, and just walk out the back door. I could. I could do that.” 

Once again, you shake that shit off and roll up your sleeves.

After what seems like an eternity, you’re finally getting a handle on the situation.

You head into the living room to join the Judas copycats that just left you for dead and the first thing you hear when you round the corner is plastered Uncle Clancy, explaining in great detail to Little Johnny about the first time he caught the clap from a Korean hooker. 

Mayhem ensues, and everyone is on the verge of punching everyone in the face.

“Time to go, Clancy! Get your dopey ass in the car, NOW!” Karen shouts.

Everyone leaves without so much as a thank you.

But, at least it’s all over. You fucking did it!

You slip back into your favorite pink bunny footy pajamas and sob, uncontrollably, into the biggest glass of Triple Sec you’ve ever seen. 

For some, this story would never happen in your reality. For others, it hits a little close to home. Regardless of what side of the fence you’re on regarding this particular holiday, I think you’ll benefit from at least a few of the following tips.

Preparation…

Let me preface the following by saying that there are times when it’s not enough to tell someone what time they should arrive at your home.

Let me say that again; YOUR HOME.

Listen, occasional lying is necessary, it just is. Sometimes we have to fabricate stories to control the pathological boundary-crossers in our lives.

There’s no harm in this – they’re in the wrong here. Not you. You rock…

• Tell the “early birds” in advance that, even though it’s Thanksgiving Day, you have a super important, unavoidable Zoom meeting until [enter acceptable arrival time here], and you need absolute silence.
  • If you do this, people will be less inclined to encroach upon your space before you’re ready.
• Try to cook as many side dishes as possible the night before the feast — there’s nothing worse than having to juggle different dishes in the oven and take up the entire stovetop. After all, it’s more stress than any mere mortal can handle.
  • Optimally, the only thing you should have to cook on Thanksgiving day is the turkey. And, in my opinion, that’s the easiest part of the entire spread to cook. 
• This one should be obvious, but alas, apparently it’s not: Shop for everything you may need the day before your party, if not sooner.
  • While some stores might be open for a short time on the morning of Thanksgiving, the vast majority will be closed the entire day.
• Buy exactly enough booze for everyone you’ve invited to have one drink and only one drink. Tell everyone beforehand that you’ve got all of the adult beverages covered, and there’s no need to bring any of their own. Then, hide a pint of your favorite libation in a kitchen drawer – let me be clear: this is for you and only you.
  • Sneak a sip or two while cooking now and then. Because, as we all know, booze can alleviate many things.
• Unfortunately, there’s not much to be done about the little wallet-draining turd machines occasionally hurting themselves, but we can prepare for their arrival by scanning each room and identifying anything valuable that they WILL figure out a way to destroy.
  • Hide that shit the day before. 

The main takeaway here, and a major component of hosting a successful Thanksgiving dinner at your house, is preparation.

Hope for the best, but expect the worst, and you’ll do just fine.

So, this data from Statista shows the average price of a ten-person Thanksgiving meal. Costs were tracked from 1990 to 2021. Supposedly, the average price for a Thanksgiving dinner (not including booze), for a family of ten in 2021, was about $53. While I might be inclined to agree with their calculations from a decade ago, the most recent numbers sound like complete horse-shit to me. I don’t know anyone who could feed 10 people for anything less than $125.

In the Midst Of…

On to what I believe may be the most important wisdom you can gain from reading this article: how to deal with the relatives that you only see maybe one or two days a year (for good reason).

We all have these insufferable people in our lives, in one form or another. And, if you must deal with them for any measurable amount of time, try one (or all) of the following tactics:

• Shove a drink into Aunt “Karen’s” hand as soon as she gets through the door, and take a few minutes to tell her that you’re pretty certain the next-door neighbors smoke crack and worship Satan. Of course, you just don’t have any concrete evidence yet. That’ll keep her busy for hours.
• Let’s face it, Uncle Clancy’s a douchebag. He thinks it’s still 1984 when he was a benchwarmer on his high school football team. Let’s feed into that, just for today. Hand him a football and tell him to go play catch with little Johnny. Sometimes, sacrifices must be made and, unfortunately, little Johnny is collateral damage in this case. We salute you!
• After the successful meal, no one should be having the time of their lives, so even Aunt “Karen” is anxious to get Uncle Clancy home so he can watch the game and drink himself into his usual stupor (it seems something is wrong with your satellite connection and Wi-Fi). Today of all days 😏….. I don’t feel like I need to explain that last statement in much greater detail, but I will: Sabotage your own phone line and exterior satellite connections early in the morning before your guests arrive. Again, some sacrifices must be made. 

Listen, I can sympathize with the obligatory feelings you may have associated with your guests, whether they’re relatives, friends, neighbors, or whatever. I swear I can hear the excuses from here — “Oh, but Chad, you don’t understand. I’ve got to be nice. Everyone expects me to be nice,” and, “You know, that’s just the way Aunt Karen is, but we still love her,” finally, my favorite, “Johnny is our ‘special little guy,’ he doesn’t know any better” – so on and so forth.

But, you need to let this sink in, so I’ll say it once more: THIS IS YOUR HOME. Demand respect for that. You invited them. You fed them. And, you cleaned up after them (hopefully not too much).

Dude, screw these people! These line-steppers, these disrespectful ass-goblins. Your home is your sanctuary, and if these buttholes aren’t respectful of that, let’s not continue to give them those “warm and fuzzies.” 

In another 2021 Statista survey, 62% of nearly a thousand respondents answered that they spent Thanksgiving at home. What this tells me is that over half of Americans invite guests into their homes for the holiday each year.

The Aftermath…

The next two pointers are sort of all-encompassing, and (for me, anyway) they solve almost every traditional frustration with the Thanksgiving holiday.

Are you ready for this? Because you’re about to get truth slapped, in 3…2…1…

• Use as few actual dishes as possible. Seriously. Don’t use your fine china unless there is no other feasible option. You don’t live at Buckingham Palace, for Christ’s sake. Buy disposable plates, cups, and silverware. Trust me, no one gives a shit — if they do, they’re not worth a thought.
• Place one of those huge garbage cans on the back porch and demand everyone clean up after themselves. Because honestly, by this point in the day, you should be sufficiently sloshed on the private stash you hid in the kitchen. You’ll be brave enough to say lots of things you normally wouldn’t. It’ll be epic.

Let’s get real. What kind of memories are made when all you’re doing is cooking or cleaning the whole day?

Nip these issues in the bud and be present for a Thanksgiving story that will be passed down from generation to generation.

In an earlier Statista survey, 76% of American participants responded that Thanksgiving was either ‘very important’ or ‘rather important’ to them. See? I’m not the only Turkey-day fanatic up in this bitch!

Final Thoughts…

As I said, I’m in love with Thanksgiving. I wholeheartedly look forward to it each year. To be honest, I don’t cook a shit-load throughout the year, but on this fantastic day, I pull out all the stops.

For me, this holiday is about two things: Eating the kind of food that gives me a straight-up woody and spending time with the people that matter most.

Hopefully, by reading this playbook, you’ve gained a bit of knowledge (if not courage) to make this upcoming holiday, and every Thanksgiving hereafter, a truly enjoyable and unforgettable experience.

You’re a badass, the King or Queen of your castle. So, start acting like it.

…and another thing. If you liked what you just read, hit me up! Let me help you write copy that slaps people in the face (not literally).

Let’s get in touch →